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The Creature that is I - Me

Matt Braswell filed this exclusive report.

In a self-conducted interview, Matthew was asked to describe himself to interested parties for a Suite101 profile piece. His response was, "I've been a wrestling fanatic 2/3rds of my life. I enjoy good television shows like NCIS, The Big Bang Theory, Whose Line is it Anyway, Friends, Sex and the City, Family Guy, Bones, Modern Family, The Simpsons but only in the glory years, and so on."

His background is sketchy to say the least. He may or may not have ties to North Carolina State University, claims to be a jazz aficionado, and has never done recreational drugs, drank alcohol, or smoked a cigarette. Due to these appalling and poignant displays of defiance and outright belligerence, I decided to examine this political nightmare even further.

After a thorough background check, my findings were nothing short of astounding and certainly alarming. This lunatic claims that when he is half asleep, he can rap faster than Busta Rhymes, once saw two minutes pass on a clock, wrote 50,000 words in a week, and does not go to movies. The only new release he's seen in five years is Scre4m. But that wasn't the worst discovery made when traveling into the abyss that is this man's history... I discovered he knows absolutely nothing about Twitter. "I don't, I've never seen use for it."

What in the world is Suite101 doing hiring such a madman to produce content for them? There's even a rumor he came up with the concept of a cellular phone by suggesting a hybrid of a beeper and a phone before being probed by multiple corporations and never receiving the proper thanks. "I still stand by that sentiment," the beast said, "and I expect my royalties to arrive via airplanes containing a plethora of crates containing green and white paper, or as you people call it... money."

My subjectivity had to be placed on hold while I continued, because journalistic integrity is of the utmost importance in a society chock-full of 24 hour news cycles, and it is not easy getting a new job in such a disturbing market. So, under great duress and threats of "Can I please have a Pepsi? I'm thirsty and there's nothing to drink!" I continued forward with my inquiries.

He claims that two of his hidden talents are spinning pens and DVR remotes at high rates of speed, one I didn't bother touching because it is blatant tomfoolery, and doing long division in his head. I was startled by this and asked him how he became plagued with such a disease. His answer was quite rudimentary, "I'm a simple math wizard and my brain works at pretty high speeds."

The mentioning of his brain brought about my next question, a subject matter of great interest to me personally... The size of his head. It is massive. So massive it has two crescent shaped objects that he calls "ears" fixated to it, black noodle like strands emitting from its top that he calls "hair", and a smorgasbord of other shapes that he says were there when he was born. So I asked him about its size and his answer was downright insulting, "It grows and grows when my knowledge expands."

Finally, after such a preposterous remark, I could take no more! I jumped from my chair, pointed into a glass square, and questioned his sanity. His response made me want to ball my hand into a fist and smash that giant head of his, "If you are questioning my sanity, how insane does that make you?"